Confrontation

I hate confrontation. I’ve never been comfortable with it and my first reaction is always to tear up, no matter if I started the conversation or the other person did. It’s really annoying, honestly, and it does nothing for my argument. In the past I would try to avoid these situations as much as possible, pretend nothing was wrong so I wouldn’t have to face that embarrassing moment of crying in front of a friend (or worse, a stranger/co-worker/acquaintance). You feel sorry for a little girl crying and maybe even want to hug her. When you see a 26 year old young woman crying it’s just uncomfortable.

Oh, boy have there been a lot of tears. You want practice in confrontation and standing up for yourself; join the Peace Corps. If you are not sure of yourself; do NOT join the Peace Corps. What keeps me grounded some days is telling myself “it’s only 2 years and after you’ll have the freedom to do what you want.” I don’t mean work by this, I have a pretty awesome job with the most freedom I will probably ever have with a job. What I mean is the way that I live. Peace Corps watches me, my host family watches me, my entire community watches me. For the most part it is comforting to have that security, but sometimes I just want to scream and leave and climb a tree and hide and breathe. “I’m an adult,” I keep telling people. Keep telling myself.

Hiding and climbing a tree isn’t a very adult thing to do and doesn’t solve anything if there is a problem. I’ve had to stand up for myself many times since I’ve gotten to Jamaica. Jamaica, yuh nah easy. From the moment we got to Jamaica they told us that Jamaica is a land of extroverts. Over and over in training we heard that and were encouraged to be loud and extroverted to be able to fit in. That doesn’t come easily to a quiet introvert like me. I thought about it (for a brief moment), that I could change who I was now that I was in a new country surrounded by no one who knows my past. That brief moment passed and I remembered that I liked how I was and that if I tried to be any other way that it would be insincere and I wouldn’t be happy. Of course, quiet-introvertness (apparently not an actual word) can be easily viewed as being uninterested, unenthusiastic, anti-social, rude… It can also be viewed as a weakness, but it’s not and I’m coming to see its strength more and more.

You are tested constantly in the Peace Corps and in a country like Jamaica where there aren’t as many physical tests there are more emotional and mental tests. Jamaica has a very high early termination rate (everything is an acronym in PC, so this is known as ETing) and it’s because it’s hard in a different way than not understanding the language very well or constantly have stomach problems due to parasites. Being in Jamaica, and possibly being in PC anywhere else, you either form tough skin or you fall apart. During a community meeting I got up in front of everyone to discuss the progress of the project that a few other community members and I had been working on and the discussion quickly turned to why didn’t I help them with planning a party, why didn’t I tell them sooner that I was going on vacation, why hadn’t I told them about the project sooner (although I was telling them about it then and had mentioned it several times…but we don’t have to get into that). I quickly answered every question as tactfully as I could despite all the negative comments and ended the meeting with my head held high and my insides knotted with anger, frustration and embarrassment. Old Autumn would have broken down and cried in front of a room full of people, but new tough-skinned Autumn kept her cool…until she got to her room and cried… just a little.

The Peace Corps and Jamaica has changed me in subtle and significant ways. I still cry at inappropriate times, but I take those moments to make my skin a little tougher and my heart a little more compassionate... or so I tell myself.